Defense attorney: You heard both shots fired?
Witness: Yes.
Defense attorney: How far away were you?
Witness: When I heard the first shot, I was about 20 feet away from the defendant.
Defense attorney: That far? How far away were you when you heard the second shot?
Witness: Well, I don’t know exactly, but I’d say . . . about half a mile.
Defense attorney: Approximately how far was the victim thrown when the car hit him?
Witness: Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches.
Defense attorney: What?? I suppose you measured the exact distance!
Witness: Yes, because I figured some weird lawyer would ask me.
Archives for March 2009
When an English Teacher Gets Spammed
by Jane Wangersky March 27th, 2009 | Humor
Subject: May be it’s interesting for you?
Reply: While I admire your correct usage of “it’s”, I must remind you that “maybe” is one word, and “to” would be a better choice than “for”.
Subject:Do you have place in car?
Reply:Not for you – I don’t even know you. I do have an “a” and a “the” you could use, however.
Subject:Try and convince – you can be better
Reply: Simple imperatives (“try”) are rude. “Convince” takes an object. The expression is “do better”. Hey, you’re the one who needs to do better – try and convince me to open your spam.
Reply: While I admire your correct usage of “it’s”, I must remind you that “maybe” is one word, and “to” would be a better choice than “for”.
Subject:Do you have place in car?
Reply:Not for you – I don’t even know you. I do have an “a” and a “the” you could use, however.
Subject:Try and convince – you can be better
Reply: Simple imperatives (“try”) are rude. “Convince” takes an object. The expression is “do better”. Hey, you’re the one who needs to do better – try and convince me to open your spam.
Dear Spammers
by Jane Wangersky March 25th, 2009 | Humor
Replying to spam is silly, of course. At the very least, it shows the spammers your address is live. Still, sometimes I wish I could, especially to the annoying messages with subject lines written to make you think you know the sender:
Subject: So, asked about your job
Reply: Have you found out what it is yet?
Subject: What was the idea?
Reply: You tell me.
Subject: Sending you details
Reply: You know who they say is in the details.
Subject: Joan loved the Cartier watch I bought
Reply: That’s nice, but expensive gifts are no substitute for spending time with someone . . . except maybe
Subject: So, asked about your job
Reply: Have you found out what it is yet?
Subject: What was the idea?
Reply: You tell me.
Subject: Sending you details
Reply: You know who they say is in the details.
Subject: Joan loved the Cartier watch I bought
Reply: That’s nice, but expensive gifts are no substitute for spending time with someone . . . except maybe
Obama on the Tonight Show — Not All Straight Lines
by Jane Wangersky March 23rd, 2009 | Humor, Late Night TV
Obama: Washington is like American Idol, but everybody is Simon Cowell.
***
Leno (on basketball at the White House): Do people throw the game?
Obama: I don’t see why they would, except because of the Secret Service agents standing around with guns.
***
Leno (on AIG bonuses): If someone had robbed a bank and said, “Your Honor, I’ll give back half the money” . . .
Obama: The only place that might work is in Hollywood.
***
Obama also said credit cards were like “exploding toasters”, but there were no commercials for exploding toasters during the show.
***
Leno (on basketball at the White House): Do people throw the game?
Obama: I don’t see why they would, except because of the Secret Service agents standing around with guns.
***
Leno (on AIG bonuses): If someone had robbed a bank and said, “Your Honor, I’ll give back half the money” . . .
Obama: The only place that might work is in Hollywood.
***
Obama also said credit cards were like “exploding toasters”, but there were no commercials for exploding toasters during the show.
More Ways to Take the “Home” Out of Your Home Office
by Jane Wangersky March 20th, 2009 | Humor
Still not feeling like you’re really “at work” in your home office? Try these simple steps:
- Cover your window with a large photo of a city skyline. Add and remove paper clouds, airplanes, and so on as the day goes by.
- Buy a sound effects CD with background sounds of a busy office. (Be sure to get a contemporary one without any clacking typewriters.)
- Tell your kids to phone if they need you – even if they’re just in the next room. If it’s a real emergency, tell them you’ll be home as soon as you can.
