· Last spring it was swine flu, here comes the swine flu, you’re gonna catch the swine flu – Michael Jackson dies. Forget the swine flu. Don’t worry about swine flu, we’ve got Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson – they buried Michael Jackson. Swine flu is back.
· It’s the worst pandemic in history, we’re all gonna die unless you -- wash your hands.
· What happened to the bird flu? Weren’t we supposed to be dead by now? I don’t know about you, but I stopped paying my bills.
· I was trying to catch the bird flu. Maybe it’ll offset my SARS.
--
Archives for January 2010
“The only disease that comes and goes depending on what else is in the news”
by Jane Wangersky January 29th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
The Newest (and Creepy) Senator?
by Michele January 28th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? "Four score and seven years ago," "Ask not what your country can do for you," "I have a dream," and now, "My daughters are both available."
--Jimmy Fallon
At least this explains his campaign slogan: "Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America."
--Conan O'Brien
--Jimmy Fallon
At least this explains his campaign slogan: "Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America."
--Conan O'Brien
Colbert Warns Us about “The New Dirty Bomb”
by Jane Wangersky January 27th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TVLast week, a 78-year-old man tried to board a plane with a 16-inch sword hidden inside his cane. Well, maybe now I’ll stop getting nasty looks in the security line when I shove the elderly out of the way... Folks, our jetliners are clearly under siege from geriatric jihadists. If they commandeered a plane, you know they’d have extremist demands – like “Fly slower” or “I need a blanket” or “My grandson’s a genius. Let him fly the plane.” And sword canes are just one weapon we know of. What about Metamucil? That clearly has explosive capabilities!
Paternity Malfunction
by Michele January 26th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn’t know he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby is Rielle Hunter’s baby.
--Jay Leno
Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?
--Jimmy Kimmel
Maybe he should call his delayed announcement a "Paternity Malfunction"?
--Jay Leno
Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?
--Jimmy Kimmel
Maybe he should call his delayed announcement a "Paternity Malfunction"?
Jon Stewart Defends Senator Brown from Keith Olbermann
by Jane Wangersky January 25th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Olbermann: I said Mr. Brown was irresponsible. Specifically, he swore at a hall full of high school students in 2007.
Stewart: Or, as they remember it, the BEST. ASSEMBLY. EVER. . . . I swear in front of an audience of high school students every night, so – oh, by the way, I forgot: Hey, kids: [Bleep].
Olbermann: I said Mr. Brown was sexist. Specifically, nine years ago he said a woman Massachusetts legislator had “alleged family responsibilities”.
Stewart: That’s it? Nine years ago he said something I’m not even sure I understand? You think that’s sexist? I know a guy who
Stewart: Or, as they remember it, the BEST. ASSEMBLY. EVER. . . . I swear in front of an audience of high school students every night, so – oh, by the way, I forgot: Hey, kids: [Bleep].
Olbermann: I said Mr. Brown was sexist. Specifically, nine years ago he said a woman Massachusetts legislator had “alleged family responsibilities”.
Stewart: That’s it? Nine years ago he said something I’m not even sure I understand? You think that’s sexist? I know a guy who
