"Manager on duty carries a big stick."
"We will happily torture and beat you if we catch you shoplifting or even attempting to shoplift." (There’s more, but it gets into stuff that would trip people’s content filters.)
Then there are the hand-lettered signs on the display cases:
"Please ask for assistance. No being grabby."
"Please ask for assistance. Failure to comply will result in nasty looks."
"Please ask for assistance. Failure to comply will result in open mockery and name-calling."
"Please ask for assistance. Failure to comply will result in a gladiatorial battle to the death."
Archives for May 2010
“Psst. Wanna buy some pointy lawn darts, cheap?”
by Jane Wangersky May 28th, 2010 | Humor
I'm not much of a garage-sale buyer. I don't subscribe to the idea that one man's junk is another man's treasure. One man's junk is, well, usually junk. I have no more use for a record player with a broken tone arm or a washing machine that only rinses if you sit on the front left corner than the person parting with it.
I will boast of finding a treasure once, a spring-suspended rocking horse . . . What safety inspectors now call rocking horses might better be termed gently swaying non-human agricultural assistants.
-- Lorne Gunter, "We Don't
I will boast of finding a treasure once, a spring-suspended rocking horse . . . What safety inspectors now call rocking horses might better be termed gently swaying non-human agricultural assistants.
-- Lorne Gunter, "We Don't
A Present for Me?
by Michele May 27th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Though, are they really presents if you made them?
On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.
--Jimmy Fallon
And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.
--Jay Leno
On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.
--Jimmy Fallon
And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.
--Jay Leno
Lessons Learned from Recent FBI Cases
by Jane Wangersky May 26th, 2010 | Humor- Someone who has just robbed a bank and tricked you into being the getaway driver does not need or deserve free advice or an alibi from you. He can afford to hire someone for that.
- If someone wants you to invest in real estate, saying he'll find tenants, and if he doesn't, his "insurance" will cover the mortgage payments -- you're better off putting your money under the mattress.
- If you feel you must play a practical joke on a co-worker, find a way that does not involve fake bomb threats, evacuation of the building, and you going to prison.
More Uses for Oil
by Michele May 25th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Food ideas:
This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.
--David Letterman
In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Automotive ideas:
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of
This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.
--David Letterman
In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Automotive ideas:
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of
