British tourist at Mount Vernon: I see George Washington got this shrubbery from good old England.
Groundskeeper: Yeah, he got the whole country from England.
"Now, class, who was the first man?"
"George Washington -- first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen."
"Nice try, but I was thinking of Adam."
"Oh, I didn't know you meant foreigners."
Overheard from a soldier during the Civil War: "I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty
for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war is over I'll never love another country!"
Archives for June 2010
Really, Sarah?
by Michele June 29th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?"
--Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin surprised a lot of people by recently calling marijuana 'a minimal problem in America.' She also admitted that she herself has tried pot. I was shocked that a woman who named her children Willow, Piper, and Trig and married a snowmobiler would be pro-marijuana. You would never expect that."
--Jimmy Kimmel
--Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin surprised a lot of people by recently calling marijuana 'a minimal problem in America.' She also admitted that she herself has tried pot. I was shocked that a woman who named her children Willow, Piper, and Trig and married a snowmobiler would be pro-marijuana. You would never expect that."
--Jimmy Kimmel
The Doctor Is In
by Jane Wangersky June 28th, 2010 | Humor
Doctor's son: My dad's very proud of this skeleton.
Friend: Why?
Doctor's son: I don't know. Maybe it was his first patient.
"How bad is it, doctor?"
"I have to tell you honestly that you're very sick. Is there anyone you'd like to see?"
"Yes . . . another doctor."
"Doctor, I called you because I was in such pain I wanted to die."
"Then you did the right thing by calling me."
"What did you operate on that man for?"
"Two thousand dollars."
"I mean, what did he have?"
"Two thousand dollars."
Friend: Why?
Doctor's son: I don't know. Maybe it was his first patient.
"How bad is it, doctor?"
"I have to tell you honestly that you're very sick. Is there anyone you'd like to see?"
"Yes . . . another doctor."
"Doctor, I called you because I was in such pain I wanted to die."
"Then you did the right thing by calling me."
"What did you operate on that man for?"
"Two thousand dollars."
"I mean, what did he have?"
"Two thousand dollars."
McChrystal the Rock Star
by Jane Wangersky June 25th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Stephen Colbert tells President Obama:
Conan O'Brien:
Jon Stewart on what a "clown stuck in 1985" would really sound like:
You may be Commander-in-Chief, but McChrystal's in "Rolling Stone"! That means he's a rock star! Led Zeplin may have trashed hotel rooms, but have you seen Afghanistan?. . . If McChrystal says "Bite me", maybe Biden should bite him. Someplace tender. Let's win this thing.
Conan O'Brien:
“Rolling Stone” may have brought down the US military commander in Afghanistan. Worse, they only gave Miley’s new album 3 out of 5 stars.
Jon Stewart on what a "clown stuck in 1985" would really sound like:
This is Mr. Sprinkles the Wonder Clown. I'm here at 230 Rosemont for Brian's eighth
School’s Out. . .
by Michele June 24th, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
"In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the number 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels."
--Jimmy Fallon
"(E)conomists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the number 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor,
--Jimmy Fallon
"(E)conomists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the number 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor,
