"It's a tough job market out there, that's why I always try to keep you abreast of the latest job openings, and today there is a big one. Fox News White House Correspondent and David Gregory on horse testosterone, Major Garrett, has announced that he is leaving the network. Now according to Garrett, he is leaving Fox News for the National Journal because he wants to talk less and think more. So, if you're an unemployed reporter who likes to talk but does not like to think, Fox News is hiring."
--Stephen Colbert
Archives for August 2010
Job Opening
by Michele August 31st, 2010 | Humor, Late Night TV
Bring Back the Past!
by Jane Wangersky August 30th, 2010 | Humor
The Modern Phrenology Society (phrenology claims to read people's characters from the bumps on their skulls) says, with the help of global warming, it's:
"Restoring Science to its Proper Place….the Nineteenth Century!"
"Restoring Science to its Proper Place….the Nineteenth Century!"
Thankfully, Phrenology can benefit from a number of modern social trends. Government regulations may soon shutter the automobile industry, giving great hope [to] the former industrial giants in the harness manufacturing sector. The dreaded nineteenth century incandescent light bulb has been outlawed reviving hope for the candle and oil lamp trades. Rolling blackouts from sporadic wind and solar power generation will reinforce this trend.
Have a Shot for New Year
by Jane Wangersky August 27th, 2010 | Humor
A man in Germany got shot without noticing it -- until recently, when doctors found a .22 bullet in his head.
He thinks the shooting happened at a New Year's Eve party in 2004 or 2005. (That must've been a real fun celebration.)
Police say, "He told us he remembered having a sore head, but that he wasn't really one for going to the doctor."
They think someone may have fired into the air, and the bullet hit the man on the way down. The shooting victim himself says he thought he'd been hit by a firecracker.
He didn't think it
He thinks the shooting happened at a New Year's Eve party in 2004 or 2005. (That must've been a real fun celebration.)
Police say, "He told us he remembered having a sore head, but that he wasn't really one for going to the doctor."
They think someone may have fired into the air, and the bullet hit the man on the way down. The shooting victim himself says he thought he'd been hit by a firecracker.
He didn't think it
College Thoughts
by Michele August 26th, 2010 | Humor
Courtesy of Stephen Colbert's Twitter account:
My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.
(A real problem, but we were more concerned about missing out on playing Frisbee on the quad.)
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.
(But it's worth every penny, as I don't need to frame it and can share it with anyone I meet!)
My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.
(A real problem, but we were more concerned about missing out on playing Frisbee on the quad.)
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.
(But it's worth every penny, as I don't need to frame it and can share it with anyone I meet!)
Official Funniest Jokes from Edinburgh Fringe
by Jane Wangersky August 25th, 2010 | Humor
#1 Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
#3 Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
#4 Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
#5 and #8 Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have
#3 Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
#4 Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
#5 and #8 Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have
